Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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