Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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