i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
