I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
