I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
