I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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