I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
