i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
