First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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