Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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