News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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