I just cut my nipple shaving
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
