Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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