You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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