textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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