You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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