the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
