Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
