Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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