Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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