I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
