dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
