capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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