He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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