I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
third nipple confirmed
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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