I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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