Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize