WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
