Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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