three words: i give head
three words: not that well
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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