The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize