Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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