Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
