I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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