I wish my penis had an off switch
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
