The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
