Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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