saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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