matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
