Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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