I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
