I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
