these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
