I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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