I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Randomize
