I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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