I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
