There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
