Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
