i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
