Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
