Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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