Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
