Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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