o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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