My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
