I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
