New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
