and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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