Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
