I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
