i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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