I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
