mondays should just be called national damage control day
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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