i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize